Sunned Angst

Sometimes I wonder how people see me
and if I look anything like how I feel I do

Do they see the speck of anxiety that’s been forming and growing inside of my body since I was an infant? Maybe it’s just me.

Sometimes I just want to lay back down on the pavement after a long day of swimming through the algae, waving at the cicadas kissing the foreheads of passing by moths and just listen to the sizzling of the hot stones underneath my ears

Does the sun know how many times I stared at her even when people told me not to? I just wanted to challenge myself, to see how long I could give into her radiance even if it meant that I’d lose some sense of sight.

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Pew

I used to sit behind you
staring at you until
the pews looked like they were on fire

In reality, it was my brain that was swelling with flames
flames that you started
flames that you fueled and then walked away from

I used to wonder if you destroyed others like you stole me
stole parts of me
stole my weakest parts

I am who I am today, but not because of you
but because I stopped, dropped and rolled away from you
like the teachers taught us to do when we were engulfed in sparks

Complaint Caves

I shouldn’t complain
because I could be worse
but my worse keeps getting worse

and my best is alightly my best
and I’m struggling to part the clouds instead of laying on them

Can I just stop fighting my brain and let the sides of my skull naturally cave in?

Fully Tamperng

I stopped feeding my body the nourishments it’s been fed for so long, the seeds in my brain have been tampered with.

Oh, I see that I’m breaking, but is one really broken if they are only missing pieces?

I’ve never known this so called wholeness people are seeking and maybe when I’m diving to depths I’ve only dreamt of in my sleep, I’m really mourning the loss of caring that I wanted to be like everyone else in the first place.

I enjoy it when the universe tries to destroy me because it’s when I feel the most alive, the most like myself, the most unlike anyone else I’ve ever come across.

When the lightning strikes, It’s as though I’m being hit with a lethal dose of my own medicine and that both terrifies and excites me

Because I am everything some people fear, but I’m also more than just a beast wearing another lover’s face

Ah

My leg is burning

From leaning my arm

To hold my head up

So it doesn’t go low
From thoughts of you

And stress over you

And sadness for you
My eyes are tired

From waiting for you to show up

And tell me things to confirm

That I’m not just a fool

Ticking conversations

I spent so many years as a zombie, now the only difference is my brain is alive and my body is looking for it

I spent so many years on a trial for my sanity
30 days turned into 6 months and then I fell off the band wagon and was left scrambling for more feelings that tripped over my eyes

I spent so many years walking towards a new clock instead of ticking on my own
On my own time, on my own watch

And now, I’m having conversations with versions of people I’ve created
And now, I’m craving the old stale taste of burning kisses
And now, I’m spending way too much time on my own that it’s growing more difficult to pluck out my own petals

Calmly Supports.

We were driving and that song came on
And everytime it rings in my ears
You’re there

Just you and I, siblings of the night
With dancing thoughts
And strands of hair resting calmly over our eyes

We were never super close, but you’ve made an impact on me

Without your support, and her’s, maybe I’d still be wishing that the night would just enfold around me and crush my dreams

But thanks to you, you brought to life more love for me