Over Byes

I’m not writing this to annoy you. Not writing to make you think I am obsessed with you or am trying to see if you’ll read this. I doubt that your eyes will ever come across these written words but I hope you will some day.

We met at a weird time in my life. A time inwhich I was not over some one and that someone is someone I don’t think I will move on from for a long time from now if ever.

I ended up blaming you for so much and I didn’t tell you this but it’s mostly because I listened to a few people who have felt like you were to blame too and maybe you are, I think you are somewhat, maybe mostly for threatening me. I should have dropped that, but any trust I had had for you up until that point went away afterwards and I blamed you for how I reacted. I blamed you for being the way I am, acting the way I did during any situation we were both in together.

I do miss you and maybe it’s because I know that I can’t talkto you. Maybe it’s because I shouldnt even be bothering you at all for any reason even if it was to tell you that I’m trying to move forward.

It doesn’t matter who I talk to, who I flirt with, I still go back to you and I barely knew you. Maybe it’s because we could have been something. Maybe you’re too young, maybe I’m too old, maybe we are just at two different places in our own lives and it doesn’t work.

Maybe it’s a bit of all of those things, but whatever the reason, it sucks and I was tempted to text you with my new number and act like I was a complete stranger because I do hope you’re doing well. I do hope you move to the city you originally were going to because maybe I’d bump into you. Maybe I’d bump into you in a local cafe there. Maybe I’d see you on a random bus there. Maybe I’d see you walking holding someone else’s hand, but atleast I’d see you. I hope your move to wherever you end up moving to, that it’s a smooth move. That you’re safe.

I wish I could have given you more of my attention and affection and said these words to you while you were in my life, but sometimes things don’t pan out how we think they will or we want them to turn out to be.

I was thinking earlier and I asked myself if I could give you love, if I could be a friend to you or anything you needed and to be honest, and I know you didn’t like it when I’d say ” to be honest ” because I couldn’t just say something without saying that, but to be honest with you, I can be your friend or whatever you need me to be. I can give you friend love.. I liked you in my life. I wish I hadn’t have used you. Hurt you, abused you emotionally and affected you physically. I did care about you and I still do. I said I cared in parts mainly because I can’t always feel it and literally just parts of me only can and I say it to justify the fact that I care.

I wasn’t inlove with you and I think it annoyed me that you thought so highly that I’d be inlove with you, but I wasn’t. I think I almost slipped and said it because you nurtured me in ways that I hadn’t been nurtured by someone  besides my parents and him in a long time.and it was a natural thing to say. I miss you being motherly with me.

Honestly, even though things were ruined by this time, you said that you’d still be with me even knowing I loved/love him, helped me so much because I have a hard time just liking one person.

I’ve realized over the years that I can share love, I can share my caring feelings with more than a few people and that the way you act with people isn’t always going to be the same with other people. Just because I usually write letters to people I’m into, send them parcels or my favourite sweater, doesn’t mean I didn’t and don’t like you. I barely ever share music with people personally, unless it’s like on tumblr or facebook or other socialnetworks, I had added a few songs to a playlist for you while we were sitll talking, on youtube.

I tend to miss/want people more whne I can not speak with them, see them, it’s just how I have conditioned myself to be. I didn’t trust you and I punished you for it and I am sorry.

I miss you C. I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss watching tv with you. I don’t watch that show anymore though because it reminds me of how I fucked up. I won’t blame you for everything, but I won’t take the blame for everything. I’m glad that you grew stronger because of what I threw at you.

I wouldn’t have spent so much time and effort into trying to be something with you if I didn’t want you at all.

Yeah I used you, hurt you, I had other people I wanted, but I wanted you too. Maybe I want you more now. Either way, I’m writing this here because I know i shouldn’t be talking to you anymore.

I almost said I loved you as a way to sign off.

You won’t see these words.

This may be a goodbye with you in a general sense, but these writings may not be ending any time soon. I just need to get everything out while I’m feeling it.

I am getting better with how i feel in general with things. I’m back at work now, I’m on medication.

But i have learned by myself the long and hard wya that some you shouldnt have to prove to someone that youve changed. Some people aren’t meant to see a changed version of you. Usually they just know you before your new self. Even if you haven’t entirely changed, just because you’re similar, doesn’t mean they still know you.

 

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