Helpless Wheels

these thoughts shall not transfer through my fingers to voice
because once they do, these waves of self-destruction will explode unto those who mean something to me
and i keep wishing things upon people because it’s what i want for myself

i wish death on those who do nothing but good towards me because
im hurting so much and the sad thing is that i know im better than this
better than these hurtful things that keep eating me
devouring my very feelings

i needed to get this out and if you read this i am so sorry if this hurts you but
ive been fighting so hard to get through this
and we are our own worst enemies
but what if all i am is everyone’s enemy?
what if fighting becomes a flight itself and i keep falling down

i keep falling into turmoil, i keep whispering hateful things to myself but
i vent them to people because
i cant stand to keep them inside of me
they rot me, they hurt me
but why do i keep wanting to spill my own insecurities unto others?

i want to get close, darling im trying and
a small part of me actually wants you but
ive been making it seem like i dont care about you
but the truth is, if i really didn’t and as cliché as these words are
i would have let everything out right away instead of allowing them to become more than just thoughts, but my air

my lungs are filling with insanity
and my head is drowning because i couldn’t stand a solid ground
i am not concrete and i keep hoping i will be firm some day
but right now, i am a new soul with a decaying mind

i am a hurting boy with a growing mind
and im expanding my knowledge and circles
but keeping things small
i see things happening around me but
theyre becoming me

i like talking to you
i like your presence and your company hence why
im trying for us
im still here friends or not
im fighting and it may not seem like fighting but it is

and oh god this pains me to feel so much and know so little

my flesh is disentegrating and im losing some function

bare with me or strip me from my carcas
hate me, but you cant throw things at me that i havent already told myself
believe me babe, im already dying and im learning to
accept that i am nothing but tries and broken promises

i am nothing more than a human being covered in soot and dirt
i walk the ground that the devil touched and infested
im infected by the poison i couldnt win against

what is happening? im writing to fill gaps
and to pass time
shoot me to the universe because my body is is being buried under it’s bones

i swear i am better, i swear i am better
i fucking swear this
i just want to be seen but i want to love but how can i love when my sanity is not intact and my strength is my own weakness?

i used to be so positive but i was pained too
i used to be such a wonderful presence
and now i am those who stripped me of gold
and planted iron in me

i am the rust yous ee on pipes, useful at first but over time, i just take up space
i listen tio music to help but
911 couldnt come any sooner
they dont use ambulances for people like me
they dont even bring hursts because they cant see me anymore

wheeeling, shrapnel ridden and emploding with flames
im sorry if this writing hurts
if reading this is making your eyes bleed
and your heart shatter
but i needed to get this out because i ddint want to knwo your reacion right away
you need to know, i want you to knwo that this took so much for me to get through…. i had to get this out i had to fucking get this out

this isnt a poem anymore but a will of testimony and false accusations turned into truths

not all of me is a lie, but if you can figure me out, if you can actually see the good in me after this, i think you and i will be okay

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