Lilac Cold

I needed a way to breathe, but not the kind where your lungs open up and your heart is heavy with a dark hurt

So I laid still, as still as the waters under a cover of white lillies frozen in the dead of winter and maybe that’s why I could relate to the season of dry because some have told me that I am the reason they long for cold

As I closed my eyes, so tempted to open and flutter them but not making it obvious that I was still half awake, I thought of the worst

Such a crucial feeling, so critical to my body bag, swallowing me before I even could slow my breath and watch the world around me from behind closed shutters

Slowly creeping, cascading me in clover delicacy, there I was, turning what was warm into a rose without petals because it was what I needed to feel alive

The silence was actually more deafening than I had imagined, my voice turned into something unrecognizable, but I let it scream me into tears, take my life and turn it into my biggest fears.

I had never felt so weak and scared, who knew sleeping could do this, or being half lucid even.

Wires became a face looming towards my very quiet heart, I needed to move, but I didn’t want to, so I kept staring until I heard a shriek

I woke up, and twice, thrice, it got scarier, so I just woke my body up and remembered the feeling and fell into a deep slumber until I just woke up.

I became the monsters people warned me about. I created ghosts out of monsters that weren’t even there in the first place.

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