The thing about me closing off is that I have no idea how to turn my emotions back on without a flood coming out and invading my head and my heart all at once.
I have no idea how to let my walls down without destroying them and then leaving some evidence that they even existed and the plants making them look pretty as a distraction.
They say that you can’t just wake up and something changes over night, but what if I can? What if I go to bed one night feeling one way and I wake up and I either feel completely different or I forget that I even felt at all?
I sit here and I can’t escape my past, and they say to move forward but I keep seeing things that remind me of the things I’ve said and the ways that I still present myself and it’s destroying me.
It took me so many years to reach out to people, to even find something within myself enough to stand up on my own pedestal and now I’m losing the sense of picking up vibes and going with my gut feeling.
I don’t want to complain to people and maybe it gets easier, I’m tired of burdening people and myself. It could get somewhat better, but this hovers in my head, like the aftermath of a storm just waiting to pick back up again.
I can vent, I can have someone hold me, I can ask someone to find the good parts of me and stay, but what if I can’t decipher between my own acting and my own truths when they all spew out at once?
I have no idea how to match my thoughts of my feelings and show that some beating thing still is in my chest that is