They say that you can’t just wake up and everything’s changed, but almost every other day I go to bed at night with a thought in my head and I wake up and it’s almost as though that thought was just something I made up and I over think it.
I sleep but I’m getting to the point in my life where I don’t sleep to gain energy, I sleep to escape and to blacken out what my aware mind can not awake.
I try to get help through therapy, I try to pick up books of interest or not even and read them until I just lose interest, I longboard through the wind and into the night with a cigarette in my hand and my earbuds screaming and all I can think about is this hovering.
I don’t even need to remember, to have thoughts cross to know, my heart longs for a place I’ve never even been to, a place perhaps maybe I have been to but not alive.
I wish I knew what to do, how to erase the things I’ve thought and think, I wish it was easier said than done to jump into my dreams and make them a realty because it’s growing harder.
I’m not even numb, but I can’t feel, I just know that something’s not okay and I don’t even know why I let this become a routine.
It’s funny how I crave attention, I get it and then I can’t even function anymore. I put up a wall as soon as I get some sort of closeness.
My longings have longings and my ghosts make it impossible to fix and instead my monsters fill this void.