I wish I didn’t have to do this but…

You told me to be true to myself, to be who I am but as I grew older, I came to the realization that you only said those words, you stopped encouraging me to be who I am.

But don’t those two things coincide, go hand in hand?

You can tell me things, but if you don’t show me, how will that be a smooth transition from who I was to who I need to be?

I’m trying, and lord knows I’ve been struggling with things you can’t even begin to fathom.

I love you, but sometimes love really isn’t enough.

There are times inwhich I think I want people to be able to read my mind, and there are times when I don’t. This is one of those times where I need you to understand that this is not me rebelling against you. This, this so called life that I’m trying to live is not me getting back at you for anything. This is me being myself. This is me coming out to you as a child that is even trying to be your child most days.

This thing, this feeling… is not fake, and sometimes it’s a sort of feeling that barely exists at times, until it hits me out of nowhere. When it hits me, I feel like my heart is being crushed. I’m not being myself when I’m your daughter. I’m not being myself when I’m “acting” as the person I grew up thinking I was.

I can feel this in my soul. Sometimes it kills me to think that I’d lose the both of you, it kills me so much that I’ve been sacrificing my own mental health to be who you want me to be… but the truth is, I’m tired of wanting to kill myself over something that I can’t help, but I do know that I can alter who I am on the outside to match who I am inside, even if it’s not a complete match.

If that means that you are going to be pushed away, then I’m not going to let myself conform to someone else’s expectations and taint myself just for your own happiness.

I wish this didn’t hurt. And I don’t blame you for everything, but how can you look me in the eyes and tell your own child that you love them, but that my “lifestyle” doesn’t live up to your standards? How can you look your own child in the eye and tell them that what they’re doing is wrong, when what they’re doing is being themselves? You may not think that I’m being myself and I’m not saying that you don’t understand, but you have no idea what it feels like to live a day with my brain.

My love for you is still here, and I am foreever thankful and greatful for everything that you have provided me with, but I’m struggling almost every day. I’ve held so much of myself back because of the fear that one day, you both could walk out of my life.

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