Useless Pasttense

I have had my heart broken the way you told me you hoped it would.

I have done things that I can’t take back and this time around I’m actually making an effort, just not towards you.

I cut you out of my life for a reason, or well many reasons.

I still think of you from time to time, but that’s all it is. Nothing more but a flash of a memory or four.

I no longer look for you in people I have never met, hear your laugher in someone’s voice. But sometimes when I see a vehical similar to your’s an ounce of care strikes my heart and then I realize that we never will be friends and maybe I’m actually okay with that.

You told me that people don’t change and that feelings do, or maybe the other way around. You’ve changed all the way through and you’re a complete stranger to me now.

We had good times and I’m not writing this so that if you read this and wonder “oh great he’s writing about me again.. maybe he’s not over me.”

I’m writing this because I don’t want you to come into my life ever again with the notion of wanting to be any type of civil. You only called me dramatic whenever I gave you an answer you didn’t want to hear, but when you gave me an answer I didn’t want to hear and I reacted similar to how you reacted towards me, I was just called dramatic and immature.

Sure maybe a small ounce of me wishes that things were different and that we could be civil and maybe even push it to casual friend, but I see the way you treated me as a friend and it was different than you treated any of your friends and well I’d rather be an enemy than be treated the way you treated me after we no longer were in eachother’s lives.

We had a good running once. once. Once……

I treated you like shit and you stuck around. I have alot in my head to work with and maybe I could have treated you better, but I didn’t and i have to live with how I treated people in the past and move forward.

Sure sometimes when I see something that reminds me of you, I get sad.. not all the time and not the heart-shattering type of sad, just the we-would-have-been-friends type of sad.

I’ve cut out many people in my life, including my birth family except for one family member and other people who I don’t see affecting my life in a decent way and you happened to be one of them.

I don’t need to be reminded of the things I’ve done and said. I don’t need to be judged by those who have altered my life in such a way as to just forget me and then come back and think they run me.

I’m not your’s, I basically only was for a few months and somewhere along the line, you had lost me and I didn’t know what it was, why I had drifted so far apart. Things happen for a reason, reasons that sometimes don’t appear until you no longer have those people in your life.

I’m glad that I’m now in therapy and I still make some of the mistakes I’ve mad ein my past, but I’m only human and I’m trying and I don’t care whether you’re in my life to whitness it or not. In my opinion, some people aren’t mean to see someone else change, especially if they’re still tainted by how you were before and don’t want to believe that you’ve made an effort to be someone else.

I’m my own person. My own messed up version of myself and maybe I’m trying to allow myself to be enough for me, not for anyone else.

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